let us not be so careful
like Rumi says so "in prison"
to forget wat we're made of
and from wat we've arisen
keep us from forgettin that we are
undoubtedly created from afar
capable of a free drive
towardz watever luv we strive
even wen it seemz that luv aint so fair
pleaz dont u dare
say u dont care
cuz u kno u do
trust me, it's tru
stop pretendin that u r in charge
therez somethin greater, somethin at large
that i cannot solely describe in a poem
soon go in ur heart and roam
and u'll find wat i speak of
look for justice from above
even wen it comez to luv
especially wen it comes to luv
u will see wen U forgive ur sin
that above will start to be from within
u'll be so relieved 
u'll be so freed 
from that prison
like pre-sin, before,
after all
then u'll start seein luv everywhere
all u'll be full of is luv & care
wat this world is capable of creatin
wen someone startz initiatin
by trustin somethin made of more power
somethin that strikez an hour
wen we dont got any time
wen therez no reason to my rhyme
wen partnership equalz luv
wen we see wat blood we're made of
yea u need luv too
and so does him and her next to u
keep searchin for luv wen u get burned
luv starts appearin wen itz returned
of course its nice to see their armz around u
especially wen u are searchin for another
but wat luv there is wen its luv u go thru
and see their armz around each other

A name here...a place there...
"Wat if someone findz out and does somethin wicked..."
Dang, u kno I wonder, "wat if someone might just happen to care"
Wat if,
In the name of advocatin, we happen to advertise
And thru our wordz we open some eyez,
Wat if thru our expression somethin true will be transpired,
"Wat if someone findz out and does somethin inspired..."
No, I will never let out  detailz that r private and in between,
But wat bout tellin the effectz of that experience on YOU as you've seen.
Can that person or place or entity who is unnamed 
Reside
And have had such a deep effect on u that cannot just be tamed
Inside.
That your relationship became somethin positive and true
Somethin worth sharin wit the rest of the world thru
Somethin that WILL serve otherz that may only be out for luv
No, I say let go...those storiez composed of...
You.  
Is there even a sacrifice involved
Wen there is good revolved
Around a center that we forget to trust
Yes, I'm talkin bout the eye of the gust.
I wonder...in the name of 2 much protectin, 2 much stayin near
Do we keep someone from unleashin fear
Trustin the community and its stronghold
And puttin luv first thru wat u've told?  
Sometimez it seemz like we look for proof everywhere
Evidence to show that somebody will care
As they make demands, I stand aloof,
They don't need YOU, they just need proof,
Proof of identity
Proof of serenity
Proof of presence
Proof of essence
Proof of legality
Proof of truth
Proof takez over the reality
And "poof"
It's all empty, just one big hole
And all we got left is a luvless goal
So we basically got nothing to prove
Cuz in the end all we got is the way we move 
Aint nothin real there anymore cuz we took too long to trust
Aint nobody seem to trust ANYBODY anymore
Wen trust is a MUST
Dang, to each other it feelz like we don't even exist
You might be saying it's not so, but I got to insist,
I will not say that mistrust is witout its reasonz
Cuz we all get injured and we all face treasonz,
But instead of honorin trust and speakin up, we put up a facade,
And sometimez that all feelz like we are killing God
We dont alwayz need to be cryin behind closed doorz,
Somehow we were given voicez
Both for whisperz and for roarz.

wow, it has been 2 long, hasnt it?  I cannot believe I am done wit grad skool...that is the craziest thing...and dang, I was jus beginning to have fun too...makin the most of my time wit my friendz...but u kno, part of that was cuz I knew I was leavin...we luv ppl wen they're leavin...understandably...

I did some salsa dancin, went to Carowindz and rode rollercoasterz on a PERFECT DAY (one rollercoaster was half in North Carolina and half in South Carolina...won a huge Tazmanian Devil and Winnie the Pooh...or shared the winningz wit my friend I should say...and laughed more than I had in a LONG time), ate a chicken nugget near Charlotte, performed a poem for the talent show and got a standin ovation at church for it!, ate at restaurantz, especially Indian onez, way 2 much and loved it, went to the beach in Wilmington, NC, wit my dear housemate and felt the sand liberate me under my feet, saw 16 Blocks and Madea's Family Reunion ("some men come to restore"...I cried at that movie and I LAUGHED...Tyler Perry is a genius, my lil baby in Cleveland was rite!!!)dreamt some crazy dreamz, got my hair done by a new and forever friend, and went to Walmart one more time in the middle of the nite.  Wat more cud one ask for at the end of grad skool???

Oh yea, and I finished my last assignmentz...of course...lol...

Now, I am bac in Jersey, I jus practice drivin our minivan 2day...wow...driving...it's about time I kno!  I am lookin for a summer job at the mall or near the Indian storez (gotta luv them!) and really more focused on my job at a skool that I will hopefully have soon.  Maybe in Jersey City...I am not sure, but just tryin my best and keepin my optionz open.

Bein at home is cool...set up the room, its nice 2 have a kitchen thas clean...havin dinner wit my family, bein able to see my bro more...this is good stuff.  I can help my family out, we r giving e/o space and doin wat we gotta do...I like it.  Yes, of course there r some fightz here and there, but wat family don't got that...I think wat matterz is that we make it anyway...

As work comes forth, I hope to find wayz to do some service too...especially as I get to kno this new neighborhood...full of Indianz...perhapz I'll make some new friendz...

Been readin a lot, listenin to some amazing R&B...so far Beloved by Toni Morrison is awesome and The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren that my supervisor gave me is so eye-opening...I am truly learnin a lot wit that and my human conversationz...along wit some dreamwork wit God...it's playin out to be a beautiful unfolding...I got some room for poetry in  my heart now...somethin inspirational has entered itself and now I feel myself becomin attached to somethin wonderful by lettin go...

What Will You Name Me?

My first daughter’s name is Saiva

It means divine service

And she’s already being born.

God, you’re like the 32 standard pieces of my game

And I being neither black nor white

Scream my game at home, my colors untoned

A burgundy and manila mixer

Yes, I am the party that hasn’t begun

My 32 pieces are still in the box, just like a smile, Waiting to have fun.

The plastic wrapping tight and double-taped too,

Don’t worry though, my pieces can see through

But my midnight and sunkissed links are quarantined

Accused of being abnormal, of being a fiend

When I’m regular in all my life walks

Like a child with chicken pox

Yet I’m only useful when I step outside the box.

And Who will please let me unlock this lock?

I’ve been listening carefully and I heard

He wants to see me in heaven, you know that word.

And He loved me in a different way, this may not be a heist

I’ve noticed it takes three to know Love like Christ

My trinified understanding is reality, it’s true.

Cuz of Who stands lucidly between me and you.

Like the Haagen-Dazs commercial,

“Beauty is what you put in but also what you leave out”

And God is the mystery Who won’t confess

What but always shows How

God chases the uncertain ones who guess

And we too may chase the God or Goddess

God is in the details, but did you know God is in the Chess?

First person stories about You turn to

Third person stories that follow through

Even without You

In my arms….which grew.

You came over, You kissed me, You cared for me

He held me, He loved me and I didn’t even know I needed it times three.

You becomes He and the closure I don’t see

Loses its grave and becomes brave,

And Saiva You will save.
From a spiderwebbed chamber, Charlotte set You free

Yes, my closure is now open

Cuz He loved me for me

Unconditionally

By leaving before I say Goodbye, you see

Cuz Goodbye means “God Be With Thee” quickly

So You never really left me

And You didn’t need my Goodbye

Just like children by God

I don’t know why,

All you care about is my Hi

High High in heaven

Where life’s worth is beyond seven

Seven sins and days of week not worth a dime

Like Dr. Kim said,

“You don’t hear the music because you hear it all the time”

This is how love spreads over and out,

Relinquishing comparison by compassion

Destroying my doubt

By leaving things out

And forcing me to stop the fuss

By using You, using me, using Us

As instruments towards trust.

I tripped onto love

Cuz of a crack in my walk

But you know I didn’t fall through

It led me to You.

My crack fueled a season-ing for bland life voided

So earthly disappointed

I cursed and banished this crack

But it’s diligently forming my track

Reforming a hope, replenishing a force

And I don’t want to run off this course.

Because of all three

My daughter can be free

Feeling the knocks

Of some angelic rocks

These dice, this die, sliced thrice

And let me out of the box.

Victory came

When we didn’t finish the game

Cuz to the pieces it’s all the same.

Checkerboarded love affairs blend into glue

As God intervenes why He needs to

But when we don’t see through You

That’s where we see You through

New.

What will you name

What you helped to start?

Saiva becomes a part

Of all three of our hearts

The universes that mourn

She serves by being born.

Khabhar che ke aapde ankhon bhand karye ane dilon kolye jyare prem karye

Karan ke aa bhi bhagwan nu naam levanu kevai

You know, we close our eyes and open our hearts when we make love

Because this too is a prayer

If someone throwz away ur gift, doez that mean u shud hate them...or luv them more....?

How can I set aside my luv enuff 4 u to experience ur world and 4 me to be present...maybe this is wat real luv is composed of...not mah luv that needz to requit...YES, ReQuIt...over and over...let's finish again and again...only to rebegin...

How strong can I be?



Durin sandtray play therapy 2day, I learned from the world I built that God was dyin unless we did somethin to keep her alive...and therez alwayz an everlastin game til God decidez itz over...and life is a gamble...a...play...wit a suspicious snake hoverin til the lite...and my world is divided between piano lessonz that never began again and a car towardz freedom...and child soliderz that "need" to meet the expectationz of the world rather than the world meetin the standardz, the beauty, the wholeness of the child that enterz it...the child holdz up the motherz, yes young motherz...who bac who bring the man to justice...make a man outta the man...yes, itz the child that makez the man a man...the man I luv...and yes that child can be U and it can surely be ME...no draft for soldierhood in my world...here we make our own choicez...so we can get bac our music....so we can get bac our drive...so we can reinstitute the real family...and there r no more divisionz, only decisionz...and Yes, God is bac to life...and the sand keepz outweighin the snake...all the way into a better lite...and we finally have the answerz...at the center and the end of the world...

So I am in Jerz again...the bus ride was aight ystday...nothin too memorable except the treez and fog and rain at nite...I slouched in my already lazy chair, fell asleep and I was listenin to my music and thought of one of my Cleveland studentz who used to ask about my goin to India and asked, "Miss Sweety...wat's it like?"...and I asked myself if this was wat heaven was like...if that was...

My dad surprised me wit puttin up the Christmas tree =) iss jus litez but thas kool wit me!!! and I got new clothez at the mall!!!  So many shopperz....but it felt like Jerz...it felt like home!!!

I went wit my mom to physical therapy and she is doin a lot better!  I copied this from a magazine (U.S. News & World Report, American Express advertisement, pages 4-5, 12/19/05 issue).  You can fill it out too:

My name is: Sweety.

Childhood Ambition: To be a teacher.

Fondest Memory: My first kiss.

Soundtrack: Right now...my personal CD "Songz for the Bus - December 2005"

Retreat: The bus.

Wildest Dream: To become the U.S. Secretary of Education and find justice for the urban skoolz.

Proudest Moment: All the mentorin & service I've been lucky enuff to engage in conglomerated into a ball of beauty.

Biggest Challenge: Acceptin that the thingz I don't like bout otherz r thingz I don't like bout me.

Alarm Clock: The R&B station wateva city I'm in, my Snoopy alarm and my cell fone.

Perfect Day: Workin at the skool and huggin my loved onez while we ALL eat a lot of food.

First Job: Assistant at Alexander Humanities Library at Rutgers University.

Indulgence: Red Velvet Cake and fallin for Black Men

Last Purchase: Clothez from G&G Rave.

Favorite Movie: Check my Facebook...therez a lot.

Inspiration: Tru Luv.

My life is: goin jus the way God and I planned. 

I really need to get some sleep...I mean I luv stayin up and late and jus bullshittin wit ppl, but this is beginnin to take a toll.  Yes my midtermz went fine and my sessionz wit my kidz went well, but I am MAD TIRED!!!  I need to take more napz.  I also need to stop makin sooo many commitmentz!  I felt so guilty at internship for not doin everythin on my checklist...I know I know, I don't need to feel guilty, but they did do that ABC 20/20 special on me as my friendz like to constantly remind me about!  My site host told me I am sufferin from over-achievement.  I guess I jus have a hard time lettin ppl down...I kno I gotta stop that shit tho cuz I gotta take care of myself too...I was wonderin as I was waitin for the bus why that is so difficult for me to do.

My internship is still goin real well, I LUV THE KIDZ!!! =)  I have been meetin new ppl (haha!) and havin way too much fun my graduate senioritis year!  I need to get more sleep tho and stop taking thingz ez, even tho the paragraphy above statez that I am not takin thingz ez.  I am such a huge contradiction even to myself...

My job at the clinic is goin well, iss gettin busier as we get more clientz and the studentz do their practicum work in there and stuff like that.  I am learnin a lot in case I eva wanna open up somethin like that myself...we'll see tho...I sometimez ponder the possibilitiez of the future...do I wanna be a skool counselor foreva...maybe I can do some educational policy work too at some pt...I dunno...I like social justice and skool-community effort based work...I really wanna learn how to write grantz soon....

I began the Chess Club at the skool and yes it was after skool so there was some mutual chaos, and there was milk and cookiez involved...but we got some piecez learned and movez understood and pairz matched up...so it was all fun and gamez!  I am enjoyin this awesome experience, plus I get to be part of the skool more by bein part of the after-skool activitiez and I GET TO KNO THE CHILDREN MORE!!! YAY!!! =)

My friend is havin the Darfur Fast and Vigil today and I passed by for some of it and they r doin an awesome job wit lotz of entertainment and craftz to buy and presentationz!  Iss truly kool wat can be created wen u put so much soul into ur work...

Well I am off to the YWCA in a few, after another quick visit to the Darfur Fast...I need to catch up on my sleep tonite but we'll see if I do, iss all messed up and I am gonna hafta use this weekend to catch up some sleep...it is our fall break, but I will have internship on the weekdayz =) 

I feel very peaceful even tho therez a lot of chaos in my mind rite now...I wonder why? =P

I know, I know...it has definitely been too long since I've posted.  I have been mad buzy this year, tho I expected it.  I luv my internship!!!  The kidz r so awesome and for those that have been seein my away msgz, u can see how cute and loveable they are!  I have begun counselin kidz and I luv it.  I am learning a lot about the children, about bein a skool counselor and about myself.  I am growin and I am grateful.

I have been playin gamez wit the kidz, like "The Storytelling Card Game" created by a physician, which stimulatez the imagination.  Also, "The Un-Game" which also is a game that stimulatez a lot of conversation wit all its questionz.  Also, I have been doin some art activitiez wit the kidz based on journal topic ideaz like "If I had a twin..." and also helped one student wit a collage about Hurricane Katrina and some thingz in magazinez and newspaperz.  I am gettin to the kno the kidz more and luvin them and their compassionate and luvin personalitiez and they r definitely gettin to kno me more as I am too.

Waitin for the bus is an experience that I luv...the bus, as u all kno, is one of my dearest friendz in life, and therez this one spot at The Depot downtown that alwayz causes ppl to come up to me and tell me about my hair, men and women...it's really weird...God musta struck that spot cuz it alwayz reaffirmz somethin inside me durin the thoughtz I swim thru as I wait there...many r down thoughtz, some r up...but the bus time is one of the most awesome of the day...it is within the public that I find myself...

I have been thinkin about my relationshipz wit ppl, about Christ, about children, about family...a lot to think about in the midst of all the stuff I am goin thru in my life rite now...

The site coordinator position wit the YWCA Teen Parent Programz has been keepin me on my toez, I actually overrecruited, which is really crazy.  I was a bit disappointed about that cuz I wanted everyone to have a match and do wat they wanted to do wit their service activity for various reasonz, who knowz?  As I think bac to my yr last yr, thingz were not perfect, but they were the way they were supposed to be.  Especially as I look at my own service this year, wat has changed, wat has remained the same, and wat I am learning thru volunteerin and leadin...it is interesting.  Sometimez it takes some time, but we end up findin the rite match...not that we'll forget the past...but we find wat fitz us betta, while havin the past as our foundation in delightful and unforgettable wayz...perhapz even the service of the new volunteerz, altho not wat they have chosen at first, is wat they may end up choosin in the end becuz of all that it has unexpectedly given to them that they have not realized...all that I have been given that I have not realized...that I am realizin...that I will realize...if we choose to look at it in the way that will give us the most positive impression...

Ystday was the Leadership Conference at the YWCA and it was open to all teen motherz in the county.  It was pretty amazing.  The keynote speaker was awesome and some of the teenz read very touchin poemz.  I got to spend a lot of time wit everyone, I spent a lot of time with my own teen and it was so great!  They had really good workshopz in financial literacy and budgetin, careers/resumez/interviewin, and also on thingz like etiquette and personal presentation (makeup and such...we got a lot of free Mary Kay stuff).  Even tho I am not a big fan of makeup, their presentation was interestin cuz of their tipz on keepin ur face clean and how to put on makeup correctly and in a way that is presentable for certain occasionz.  They even had a fashion show.  I thought the day covered so many dimensionz! 

Midtermz r in 2 weekz...I really like my substance abuse counselin class a lot more than my career development class cuz the professor for Substance Abuse Counselin is soooo good at lecturin and givez us so much great info!  As some of u kno, I gave up caffeine for the abstinence contract for that class for the semester, and am doin well wit it!  I look for caffeine free productz and vanilla cookiez wen I can =)  It's challengin to not have coffee or chocolate, but I am glad I chose somethin challengin cuz I am learnin a lot from it.

My grandmother came from India and she'z in Atlanta rite now...I want to visit her at some pt this year.  I got to talk to her this mornin and she is well, jus tired from her flight.  I hope she enjoyz it in HOTlanta...she is  used to that weather.  I hope she enjoyz bein wit my aunt.  My grandmother doesn't like America becuz she sayz everyone jus leavez and goez to work all the time, but hopefully the third time here is the charm =) and she'll maybe wanna stay wit all the family here...I luv BAA =)

I have been lookin up requirementz for NJ, NY, NC and Philly for skool counselor licensure reciprocity and such.  It's confusin, but I am doin my best wit it.  I apply next semester.  I also take the National Counselor Exam, the departmental comprehensive exams, and the Praxis II (Counseling Area Specialty) exam next semester.  I am considerin takin the Praxis I (general reading, writin and math for educ. majorz/teacherz) cuz Pennsylvania requirez that.  I am gonna try to get fee waiverz for the Praxis.  The applicationz r expensive too.  We'll see tho...I want to apply to as much as possible and increase my chancez.  Then interviewz come in the summer.

I can't wait for Halloween...I want to be a Hersey'z Kiss =)

Some of  my friendz may come from Cleveland for my bday weekend (Oct. 21st)...I hope they can, it wud be fun!  We can all travel NC togetha a lil bit =)

Ooo, I made it to 3 milez in my jog/run thing!!!

Well, time for laundry and some work...have a fun day!!! =)

This has been interesting to me...this whole past weekend...well this whole week!  I am havin a great time at my intership.  We helped the kindergardnerz a lot!  They r stronger than me, I CRIED my first day of skool...at least for the first couple yrz ;)  The children r adorable and I have been helpin with the Kelso the Frog conflict resolution materialz thing that my counselor is givin out to studentz and teacherz.  I am gonna be helpin with Red Ribbon Week about Drug Awareness and wanted to have a poetry slam contest for the 4th and 5th graderz, at least for them to write their poetry and maybe we can surprise everyone at the end wit somethin cuz they all win!  I also read about this idea on a website for "Hugs not Drugs" Day wen the younger kidz bring in their favorite stuffed animal =)  So cute...

I luv the bus driverz and the GTA.  It's awesome!  I am enjoyin it all...seein the sunrise as I wait for the bus, seein the view durin the car duty portion of the day.  Comin home and I still got so much DAY left...all the experience, and LOVELY NICE ppl...soo cooool....

I did 2 real southern thingz (or so they seemed southern to me).  I "mulched", yes yes I kno it soundz weird, but it's like tree stump ground up stuff that u put on the ground and spread out.  I did that durin a service project I organized for the old and new counseling studentz.  It was all part of Agents of Grace and we went to a middle skool here in town and did some landscaping, trash-pickup and some ppl did some paintin, vacuuming.  It was pretty kool.  We were all tired by the end of the day.  But I reallllly appreciate all of their hard work and we all got to kno e/o betta.  How sweet!  I luv service, there is somethin about doin work and gettin to kno ppl at the same time that is special, and different...as if u r doin a task and creatin something bigger and better in the background and foreground.

I also went to Get Downtown and saw A STEP SHOW, yes!  It was a lotttt of ppl there, but I mean, hey, I like that!  It reminded me of Jersey or the NYC India Day Parade, all the people and city-nezz.  I luved it.  The show was interestin...wat I cud see of it wit my short self.  Then we stood on the railroad trax to see more, and that was fun, til they kicked us off.  Trey Songz was gonna be there!!!  But I had to go.  Someday I'll see him live.

Speaking of live, they had a Fox 8 New Live truck at the service event.  It was funny cuz this one boy was like I wanna be on TV.  I was like I wonder wat time they'll show it and if someone he knew wud see it on TV.  He said maybe, but if it's live then it's prolly goin on rite now.  It reminded me of one of my bebez in Cleveland who once was drawin this thing reporting a blackout in the city (based on a book we read).  And it was supposed to be a news story wit a pic.  So she drew a reporter and some stuff in the background.  And I was like how r we gonna make that more exciting.  So she wrote "LIVE" in the corner and we laughed together.  Some of you may kno this story already.  But I guess wat happened ystday served as a reminder.  It was so funny.  What Live can do.

I made it to over 2 miles in my runnin!  YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY =) I went to the gym track today, students can finally use it again!  I miss the park, but I am glad I can use it durin the pretty fall weather...that trail is irreplaceable =)

=)

Somebody asked me last May if I pray...and I just realized how much prayer is instilled in my thoughtz between beatz and rhythmz, clutter and clash, hope and practicality...EVERY SINGLE DAYDREAM...and I jus sat and watched some sun showerz and thought about how I may be getting jus wat I need from God...divine determination...no matter how hard we try to attain wat we want, we alwayz survive wit jus enuff, and make it thru...til it's our time to move forward...

Gosh, they're pretty...

The clinic orientation was awesome!  We did some great icebreakerz (that led me to reveal some personal info about the best part of my summer, I had a couple best partz...wink wink =P)  and one of them really hit the core of all of us, it was one involving the titles of the top twenty bestsellers on the NY Times and we had to pick the title that best described our livez at the moment.  I said Miracle, as one of my friendz' sent me that Einstein quote about "There are two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as though everything is a miracle."  And from the shipz handed down to me this past year (and my own contributionz to their formation), I realize how so much issss a miracle...everything is. We also told storiez of our scarz...wit time thingz like that, even painful can become great storiez...some can be funny too...and as my friend in India said, "let other ppl laugh at you...you'll be the cause of their joy! " =P

As I learned from my friendz' housewarmin party yesterday, it's crazy how in a room of strangerz, you can end up findin the strangely amusin similaritiez in someone u've known all year...and become closer to them~~~

The nursing home service project today was great!  A lot of the older people were not interested in the crafts, but they loved the bebez that came wit their momz from the teen momz programz, especially one man who luvvvvvvveeeeeeddddddd kidz!  One of the leaderz said she "luvz intergenerational stuff" like that...I agree I do 2!!! =) There was a woman there who was 100 who played volleyball and did track when she was younger and has all these successful storiez about her kidz.  Another was 106 and was deaf and blind.  So interesting...and such a lonely place.  They had two dogz there and very nice staff.  I don't kno if I'd eva wanna be in one, tho I dont meant they are bad or that the ppl that are there have it bad.  I jus wonder about the idea of our self-sufficiency runnin out in some wayz (but not all of course, thas impossible)and our health becomin poor...I suppose it's important to keep ourselvez up, find support and luv whereva we go...not ppl who can be visitorz necessarily, but ppl who can be home...

Luvvvvv.......

Assume that whatever situation you are facing at the moment is exactly the right situation you need to ultimately be successful.  This situation has been sent to help you become better, to help you expand and grow.     ~Brian Tracy